So, love is a decent word. It carries all your pains and sorrows away. And love is patient. Love is giving. Love is forgiveness. And one day, when you find love, your dream is just become...

   Tuesday, August 12, 2003  

not a really good day today.
today marks the 10th months that me n girl went stead. quite a long walk together since open day last year... however, work seemed to have engulfed us. work, leaving us no space for evn breathing. work, torn us apart. went home today on 961, with yuwen, wan ping n XXX(someone i din wan to take same bus with). chatted all the way. still, i felt something missing.
planned to take a day off today, tml shall be a long mugging day. however, seems like my plans gonna be disrupted. just hope that the good cause for the disruption would a be a real good cause. enjoyable cause. i guess. kinda frustrated. feeling neglected...
tired. i wan to sleep...

   posted by zHaN at 8/12/2003 06:31:00 am






   Saturday, August 09, 2003  

not in very good mood recently. some prob with relationship keeps troubling. well, feel dumb. at the end of the day, it would most likely be just ME being "oversensitive" or anything of that sort... tired...
national day. 1 year has passed since the victory run... time flies. my eyes felt a bit watery when i stood by the grandstand, singing home. i remember vividly it was exactly one year ago, standing at the same sport, singing home, holding the trophy. i cried then. it was great. memories came back to me. i couldnt forget the wonderful days then... now, things seems to have come to a standstill. no more franticness. life changes. no more competition of that friendly sort. what lies ahead is competition in the A lvl for the As (not just Bs)... monotonous? mabye... but, wanna say to my dearest juniors (though they will never get to read this), great job.
seniors farewell. not exactly the best organised one, but i appreciate the effort considering the fact that they managed to do something presentable within one week. however, still wished that the 2 guyys were there. i rather lousy players but effort from juniors ...compared to getting 2 other pple to play. (not good one somemore...) it sort of marks the end of all my ccas in NJ. it had been a great year of ccas n i will be sure to miss them and the peeps...
after farewell, caught homerun at cineleisure. it was a good movie i say. though many pple despice local films, feel that it is close to heart, clearly n accurately despict the lives of those in the 60s, inspirational to some extent, and subtle. felt great when little little things pop up in ur mind, pointing out how subtlely jack neo managed to put down malaysia. a film worth watching (for pple of my personalities, where 100% n action doesnt really appeal that much). later was plain loitering at riverside. i sat by myself for a while on the railing. how i wished girl was beside me. the night viewwasnt the best, but it was beautiful. turned ard, i saw c-l-n and mingming... liying on each other, fast asleep... sudden gush of feelings... hUgZ... mUaCkS...
i m writing this after the phone call. guess both of us are tired. i m not pissed, justfelt like an idiot. felt stupid. literally talking into the phone. sad... must our conservations always end up like that? i was devastated by the last sentence. "nothing to talk about"... my idea of that sentence being said is only when there is no hope between 2 individuals... i choose to believe that what i believe in initially isnt always true... sweet dreams...
love, zHaN^b

   posted by zHaN at 8/09/2003 08:59:00 am






   Friday, August 01, 2003  

torn.
i feel torn.
i wonder what is wrong, i wonder what is happening. i dont understand. i feel like being torn apart.
weeks back, something happened that resulted in some unhappiness. i m really sorry and well, guess that jealousy can really sets in. there is really jealousy in reality. taking that into consideration, i really did try my best to ease off the tension. shun? maybe thats the word to use. i literally shun jiawen n gang. i dun wan anymore bad things to happen.
some time ago... after CO, i suggested going out to eat. the guys agreed. however, girl wanted to go off... i followed her n "let-free" the rest. girl said something like disliking me always together with oac pple. i am really troubled.
today. our job ended early. we were only involed near the interval. however, we stayed on n listened finisht he whole concert. it was good. eneded off with inilah. went to starbucks to grab a drink (literally.. plain water). real thirsty. received a faithful message. i went home. i dont understand. i really dont understand. can someone tell me what to do???
last time, my sister bf wasnt really well liked by my family initially. i remembered her saying this to me (i was too young then to understand)... "one side is my boyfriend. one side is my family. i feel realy bad. its like pushing me to a corner. i feel like just jumping out of the window." i understand how she feels now. one side is my girlfriend, the other side is my friends. what should i do? am i asking too much to have my social circle (of which all of them girl knows)? perplexed. torn. tired. confused.
dying... xin shui, zHaN

   posted by zHaN at 8/01/2003 09:07:00 am